


on the radio

by elliptical



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Healing, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Polyamory, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 15:23:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2626622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elliptical/pseuds/elliptical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forty-seven days into a universe with millenniums of history:</p><p>Two godhumans and a world-displaced troll try to cope with memories and take care of each other.<br/>Or, "In Which Love and Trust and Honesty Go A Long Way."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> finally had inspiration for a new fic!!!! so here i am  
> let me know what y'all think
> 
> _this is how it works_   
>  _you peer inside yourself_   
>  _you take the things you love_   
>  _and try to love the things you took_   
>  _and then you take that love you made_   
>  _and stick it into some_   
>  _someone else's heart_   
>  _pumping someone else's blood_   
>  _-on the radio, regina spektor_

You're already yelling before Dave properly invites you into his apartment, standing on the threshold of his door and half-shrieking like a particularly headachey neighbor who wants the douchebag to turn his music down. Before you can even get into the reason for your visit, chest burning with the fire of all the words you've stored up, you have another problem on your hands.

You break off mid-sentence, frowning at him. "You just fucking woke up. You aren't even listening to me."

"Mmm, no, I'm definitely listenin'," he says, which is how you know he's still half-asleep, because his Southern drawl isn't nearly that potent in consciousness. "Just also kinda wonderin' what the fuck you're doin' on my doorstep at ass o'clock in the morning."

"It's seven fucking AM. I am being goddamn courteous, you blistering shitfuck, I waited until normal human wakefulness hours and traveled just before the sun was up so high I was fucking blinded. I realize it didn't matter for shit on a meteor in the middle of fucking hyperspace, _but you do realize I am nocturnal, right_."

"Dude, just come inside before my neighbors file another noise complaint."

You stomp inside and slam the door behind you, making a big fuss about exactly how fucking agitated you are, just to drive the point home. His neighbors are going to file at least seven noise complaints by the time you're done with him, hopefully along with a stern and official warning from the landlord.

First thing's first, though. You make your way into his kitchen, opening and closing cupboards with all the force of your vehemence, searching through them. After about thirty seconds of this, you turn around.

"Where the fuck is your coffee. Do not tell me you don't have any fucking coffee, I will literally take all of your dishes and hurl them at the wall."

"I mostly just eat off paper plates."

"Dave. I am not fucking around."

"Top cupboard," he says, entering the room and leaning lazily against the counter. "But if you've been up all night, caffeine is the last thing you need."

"It was a long fucking journey, okay?"

"You live an hour away."

"DAVE," you say, snapping, "IF YOU HAVE NOT NOTICED, I CANNOT DRIVE A FUCKING CAR ON ACCOUNT OF GROWING UP WITH LESS PRIMITIVE BULLSHIT MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION, SO I HAD TO SIT MY ASS DOWN ON A BUS WITH A BUNCH OF SWEATY FLESHMAMMALS WHO KEPT GLANCING AT ME LIKE I WAS GOING TO EAT THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN, SO HOW ABOUT YOU SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND APPRECIATE THAT IT WAS A LONG FUCKING JOURNEY."

He pauses for a second. Then,

"To be fair, you guys do eat your young."

You scream and throw yourself on the ground.

"Holy shit."

You pound the floor once with your fist and then give up, just kind of laying there like a dead fish. An exceptionally dead fish. A dead fish that has spent at least five minutes flopping the fuck around attempting to cling to life, and then finally let its soul depart to fish heaven upon the realization that nobody gives a shit.

Dave kneels down in front of you, lightly patting your head. "I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you're really fucking stressed, so I am going to suspend my jackassery for a little while, even if I think your temper tantrums are hilarious."

"Wow, look at the glorious mighty fucking god stooping down to help the lowly people. I can't believe you're succumbing to the struggle of not being a raging douchebag all the time, what a true sacrifice on my behalf! Honestly I cannot believe how benevolent you are, you goddamn fucking asshole."

"I only understood about half of that but it sounded pissed off."

That's when you realize at least half of your rant was in Alternian, hisses and spits and clicks instead of awkward human garbled mouth sounds. On the one hand, you are fucking pissed that Dave never learned enough Alternian to appreciate the true expanse of your vocabulary. On the other hand, you're pretty pleased by how much better profanity sounds in your native tongue.

You slowly pull yourself to your knees, scowling at him. His hair is still rumpled with sleep, his shades slightly askew on the bridge of his nose. He holds a metal tin of Folgers out to you. "Peace offering."

You grab the coffee with the desperation of a dehydration victim finding water for the first time in weeks, pulling the plastic lid off, the scent of bitter ground bullshit hitting the back of your scent orifice. Deciding that you don't have the patience to brew a pot, you reach inside, extract a level scoop, and dump the whole thing into your mouth.

It tastes like literal fucking dirt that somebody pissed in. Dave's eyebrows arch so far that they appear above his shades and then disappear into his bangs.

This was a terrible idea.

You swallow all of it out of sheer spite, daring Dave to question you, and replace the plastic lid. He looks like he's about to say something when a voice calls from another room.

"Ask Karkat if I need to put clothes on!"

You choke on the sandgrains still trapped in your protein chute.

"Yeah, put some clothes on, I don't think the poor dude can handle the sight of your naked glory," Dave says without missing a beat, thumping you on the back.

After a good fifteen seconds, you get a hold of your splutters, only coughing once every so often. As soon as you're sure you aren't about to fucking die, you stand up, and are greeted with the sight of Jade in a frilly white sleepdress that you're certain is more fashionable than ninety-five percent of the latest trends. Kanaya would have a fucking field day. Maybe Kanaya designed it? Fuck if you know.

"Hi Karkat!" she says, with all the cheeriness of an obnoxiously bright morning person. "Long time no see. I had forgotten how loud you can be, I am actually very impressed."

"You..." You stare between Dave and Jade, your pan struggling to compute this new information. "You're shacking up."

"Tell us something we don't know," Dave says.

Well. This turns the tables completely.

You grip the edge of the counter. "You're shacking up. You're fucking shacking up. We have lived in this universe for forty-seven goddamn planet rotations and you two are already fucking. You two have the time to screw each other senseless in the most disgusting and probably red of ways, and we have lived in this universe for _forty-seven goddamn planet rotations._ Did you fall through the door with your legs already locked around each other's fucking waists?"

Dave doesn't even flinch, but a small crease appears between Jade's eyebrows, her mouth turning down at the corners, looking kind of like a kicked puppy trying not to show pain. The tips of her tufted white wolf ears turn down. Your bloodpusher immediately drops to somewhere in the region of your lower abdominal cavity, and you're pretty sure you could shit it out if you tried.

"I -- " Fuck. You didn't mean for that to actually hurt. You've gotten so used to your insults being treated like transparent gusts of air that you forgot they sometimes actually sting.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Shit. Fuck. That was a jackass thing to say. I'm glad you two are -- I'm glad you two have -- oh, fuck." 

There's enough pressure on the back of your throat that your voice cracks. You turn away from both of them under the guise of putting the tin of Folgers back. Then you rub your eyes to wipe away the gathering moisture and take three cleansing breaths, forcing the stinging bubble out of your vocal chords and back into the bottom of your thorax.

You smooth your facial expression and turn back around, pressing invisible wrinkles out of your sweater. "Shit, I forgot I left the, uh, the cooktop on, I mean the stove, so I have to go make sure, you know, make sure my hive hasn't burned the fuck down, because that would be really goddamn unfortunate, so, uh, yeah, I'll talk to you guys later." Not exactly the eloquent speech you were hoping for, but it'll do.

You've made it halfway back to the apartment door when Dave catches your arm. "Take it easy, Karkat. What did you need?"

"Nothing, I just, it was nothing - "

". . . Are you okay?" Jade asks, locking eyes with you, taking a few steps closer.

It's that -- the sight of the empathetic concern in her eyes, the way her hand is already reaching up to stroke your cheek, the way both of them are so wholly _worried_ about you -- that breaks you down. The carefully contained bubble of pain in your chest bursts, burying shrapnel and shards into every pathetic doomed troll molecule.

"Can I stay with you for a few days?" you whisper, and then you crumple.

***

Jade teleports all three of you to their living room reclining platform before you hit the ground, a gesture you would think was show-offy if you weren't too busy marinating in your teen angst-like bullshit. Before you can even begin pulling yourself back together, Dave tugs you onto his lap like he did about a billion fucking times on the meteor, and you tuck your head against his shoulder, and he rests his chin between your horns, and Jade's warm arms wrap tightly around you from behind, and you spent the next forty-three minutes and fifty-two seconds sobbing between them.

This is definitely not how you planned to spend your morning.

Eventually, when you've stained Dave's mostly-white t-shirt with enough red that it looks like he was at a fucking murder scene, you catch your breath and quiet down. Dave keeps you close, though, and Jade stays pressed against your back, running her hands soothingly up and down your sides.

"Feeling a little better now?" she murmurs.

"Feeling like I have a massive fucking headache coming on," you grumble.

She giggles, pressing a kiss to the pointed tip of one of your ears. "I'll go get you a glass of water and a tissue box."

She's teleported away before you can make any stupid comments about the affection (fucking space powers), although Dave catches the bewildered look on your face. He shrugs. "Dude, at the moment you're so goddamn pitiful I'm pretty sure the hearts of everyone in a ten mile radius are aching and nobody knows why. Let her be a little pale for you."

"I don't mind it, I just" - zap! the magical suddenly appearing Jade! - "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!"

"Oops!"

Dave catches you around the waist before you can dive behind the couch like a startled cat, ears pressed flat against your head, a low growl rumbling in your throat.

"Sorry, Karkat." Jade moves in front of you so that you can see her properly, tentatively holding out the water and a pack of Kleenex. You take both and grumble in her direction, downing the water and then blowing your nose. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's fine."

"I should have thought -- "

"Jade, it's fine. It happens." You wave a hand dismissively, sliding off of Dave's lap and blowing your nose again.

"I'll be more careful next time, then."

"It's not your fault or anything, I just jump when fucking cats and shit unexpectedly meow outside my hive."

"That is why I'm going to be careful! It's not a crime to want people to not make you completely fucking anxious all the time."

"Okay, whatever. Pity the fuck out of me. I don't care." You stand up and bring the glass into the kitchen, depositing your used tissues in the trash can for good measure, mostly so you have an excuse to move around.

"It's not pity, it's being a good friend."

"Look, I don't need you" -- You bite the inside of your cheek, pinch the bridge of your nose -- "I don't need you guys feeling sorry for me, okay? I don't need you looking at me like I'm some weak wriggler who needs excessive coddling to survive. I've had enough of that bullshit to last me a lifetime. A couple lifetimes really. Sorry about the spontaneous pale snotfest, I swear that was not in my agenda for the day."

"You can stay with us," Dave calls from the living room, evidently having decided he can't be assed to get off the couch. "Forgot to say that before the whole cuddle session started. Also, you're definitely not the only one who's fucked up about the game, so don't start with the I-am-weak-and-I-don't-deserve-to-exist horseshit."

"That's not even the half of it."

A pause. "Do you want to talk about it?"

You frown, considering. "No," you say after a moment. "I was going to yell at you about it but now I'm out of steam to yell and really all I want to do is sleep. I promise I'm going to rant with all of the strength and godly fury I have in me after I wake up, though."

"I'll hold you to that," Dave says.

"Meanwhile, I am going to get some pillows and blankets, I think. Do you want to sleep on the couch? Or make one of your troll nesty things? Or, I get if it's too weird and pale for you or if you're not into physical contact, but you are more than welcome to sleep with Dave and me, which I mean in the actual sleep sense, not in the sexy sense, if that wasn't clear. Um." Clearly nervous, Jade continues on. "I mean, neither of us would mind, and I think we both kind of want to go back to sleep, and I can make the bed big enough for all three of us, so size isn't really an issue, but that is only if it's a thing that would make you comfortable. If you would rather sleep in a troll nesty thing, or on the couch, that is fine too. Wait, um, do you need that slime stuff? Sopor?"

"Not anymore," you say absently, trying to piece together her rambling. "We're not so close to the horrorterrors now."

"Right! That's right. So, um, what kind of sleeping arrangements would you prefer most?"

You're still turning over all of the words that just came out of her mouth. "You . . . want me to sleep with you?"

"Only if you want to."

"I mean, it sounds appealing but. Won't I get in the way?"

"Karkat, for fuck's sake." That's Dave. "A month and a half ago we were all fucking dead. Life is too short for any of us to waste time worrying about getting in the way. Quit the self-loathing crap immediately and accept that we still love you even though your hatelust for yourself remains as strong as ever."

Dave means serious business when he uses the L-word unironically.

You march back into the living room, hands on your hips. "This is me politely accepting your invitation for a depraved pale threesome, and also informing you that later we are all going to have a serious fucking talk about feelings. And then I am going to yell with all the strength and godly fury I have in me."

"Oh God, not the feelings."

"Dave, hush," Jade says with a brief glare. "We can figure it all out later, Karkat, okay? Or we could figure it out now, but -- "

"There is not a force in this newly formed universe that could make me stay upright for more than the next thirty seconds."

"Sleep it is, then," she says with a soft smile, and she very show-offy ports you all into bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dave is an insecure butt. meanwhile karkat is troll jesus: the sequel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i meant to have the feelings talk in this chapter  
> but instead you get a little more insight to what's been going on with dave
> 
>  
> 
> _nothing's ever what it seems_  
>  _in your life or in your dreams_  
>  _it don't make sense, what can you do_  
>  _so i won't try making sense of you_  
>  _love just is whatever it may be_  
>  _love just is you and me_  
>  _-love just is, hilary duff_

"Should we... wake him up?"

"That is a terrible idea. He's fine."

"He's been asleep for almost twenty hours, Dave."

"Speaking of which, why are we awake at three in the goddamn morning?"

"Because we hate ourselves."

"I did not sign up for the being awake at three in the morning thing. I was really comfortable on the couch when you woke me up."

"If I am going to be awake at this hour, so are you. Suck it up."

Dave pushes his shades to the top of his head so that he can make a big show of rubbing his eyes, sliding his apple juice across the kitchen table and leaning his head down on his arm, the perfect sad picture of a suffering man at a bar.

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me," he pronounces in the saddest, most dejected tone he can possibly muster.

You walk over, leaning over the back of the kitchen chair so that you can kiss his hair. "I'm feeling mopey-nest-Davesprite really hard right now. Am I on the mark?"

"All Daves are moping. On account of being awake at three in the fucking morning."

You pull back and begin to gently massage his shoulders instead, rubbing out the kinks between the blades as a gesture of peace. "If he's not awake in the next half hour, we can both turn in and go back to serious Karkat cuddle time. By which I mean we can curl up next to very warm troll body like a couple of cats and go the fuck to sleep. I just wanted us to be up when he woke up, given that he is, kind of prone to freaking out over nothing."

Dave sits up fully so that he can lean into your hands, which he will never admit, but that's okay. You used to scritch dead down and feathers out of Davesprite's wings, and discovered that now back scratches turn Dave into a half-conscious pile of mush, which is honestly really cute. Shoulder massages almost do the same thing.

It's a little weird, getting used to the way he merged, the way he has the memories of at least a dozen alternates locked inside him, some much more potent than others. But you know it's a lot weirder -- and more unpleasant -- for him, trying to work through the different facets and reconcile the suddenly-conflicting parts of himself. So you keep your outward concern to a minimum, since it seems to be a universal Dave thing to hide pain when he thinks it's making others worry about him.

"There's a good chance this is the first time he's slept since going through the door. It could be three days before he wakes up, it happens all the time. Poor dude seemed so fucking exhausted it wouldn't surprise me."

"I still really don't get how trolls can do that," you muse. "Please keep the feelings conversation on track if I start asking him about his physiology."

"I'm really fucking dreading the feelings talk, Jade."

"I'm well aware, you obtuse butthead," you say, kneading your fingers deeper into his muscles because they've tensed slightly, and you don't even think he noticed.

A pause. "Uh, speaking of feelings, I uh, I wanted to ask you something. Figure I should do it now before Spitfire Tornadopants wakes up and we have a whole other feelings thing to talk about. Since I'm tired and my filter is gone and I probably won't ask anytime else."

He turns his torso, and you let your fingers slip from his shoulders as he rests his forearm on the back of the chair. His shades are still perched atop his head, so you can see the reds of his eyes. Or, more specifically, the way he's avoiding eye contact, which is honestly nothing new. He fucking hates direct eye contact.

"Okay," you say. "What's up?"

He clears his throat, pauses again, takes a deep breath. "Do you like it better when Alpha Dave or Davesprite fronts?" he finally asks, and his voice breaks anyway. "I mean, I just figure you probably have a preference, since on the one hand you loved me longer but I was also a complete dick who broke your fucking heart, and on the other hand you'd hardly seen me in three years but I was also not a complete dick who broke your fucking heart, so I was just wondering. When you like me more, I guess."

"Oh, Dave," you say. "Come here."

He stands up, wrapping his arms around your waist and tucking his face against the side of your neck, the position easy to manage since he's a few inches shorter than you. "I'm not crying, just so you know."

"Yes, yes, your masculinity complex has been sufficiently acknowledged and I am also rolling my eyes," you inform him as you port both of you onto the couch, in a very convenient lying down position. He mumbles something about how you don't have to use your fucking space powers for everything, and you say well there is no reason not to use my fucking space powers for everything, so there, buster.

Then you're serious again, stroking his hair with one of your hands, the other wrapped around his back. "I love you all the time, okay?" you murmur. "All the time. Even so sometimes it aches, which before I thought was a silly romance fiction, but here we are! Here we are. When you two were in separate bodies I loved you both equally as much, although in different ways. And now I get to love you in all the ways at once. All of them. So many ways. There's never a time when I love you less, sweetheart. I know things are weird right now, getting used to it for both of us, and it's okay if the facets keep being facets or if they kind of merge together, it's not going to make me stop loving you. I know it's hard but that at least is one thing you don't have to worry about. I promise."

He sort of shudders and then relaxes against you, more tension leaving his body than you could get out with a dozen massages. For a moment, you think he's going to make some kind of crack about you two banging -- that's usually how brief glimpses at his insecurities end -- but then he mumbles, "Back scratches would be totally awesome right now."

You smile and happily oblige.

***

Karkat actually does sleep for three days, aside from one time when you wake him up and make him drink a bottle of water so he doesn't get completely dehydrated. You're not sure he even fully wakes up, though, given his lack of shouting. He just kind of blinks at you, drinks the water, and then immediately flops down and starts snoring again.

Dave's laying on the couch lazily flipping through TV stations when you arrive home from your college classes, having left work an hour earlier. He decided he needed some serious time (hehe) before dreaded Education, whereas you immediately threw yourself back into Learning Everything.

"He's going to wake up tonight, I guarantee. Long sleeps are always three fucking days. Which is probably symbolic since he's like, Troll Jesus: The Sequel."

"Well, I am going to cook up half a package of hamburger for you, eat the other half myself, and then toss like three at the starving troll."

"Oh God, not the fucking raw meat again. Brush your teeth before you kiss me, please."

"Suck my clit, fuckass."

As it turns out, Dave was right. Fifteen minutes later, Karkat wakes up. There is no sleepy shuffle out into the hallway, no rubbing of the eyes or yawning or rumpled clothes to announce his presence. No, the first thing you hear is his voice, sleep-hoarse but as loud as ever.

"OH MY GOD, I NEED TO PISS SO BAD, WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR LOAD GAPER."

"Across the hall from the room."

And there's the sleep-shuffle and messy hair, although you only get to appreciate groggy Karkat for two seconds before he's shut the bathroom door behind him.

"By the way," you call, "have I ever mentioned that 'load gaper' is the grossest name for a toilet ever?"

"IT IS A FUCKING GAPING HOLE THAT FLUSHES AWAY LOADS OF WASTE," he yells back, presumably mid-piss. "HAVE I EVER MENTIONED HOW UNNECESSARY THE WORD 'TOILET' IS? OR YOUR WHOLE LANGUAGE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH NAMING THINGS WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REGARD FOR THEIR FUNCTIONS?"

"Oh, my god," you murmur to Dave. "He really does get down to business fast, doesn't he?"

"I FUCKING HEARD THAT, YOU CHAFING GODDAMN ASSCRACK, MY SIGHT ORBS MIGHT BE TRASH BUT MY HEARING ORIFICES ARE AS GOOD AS EVER." He is totally using ridiculous lingo on purpose. You've definitely heard him say 'eyes' and 'ears' before.

"IN THAT CASE, YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING LOUD AND SHOULD TONE IT DOWN BECAUSE OUR NEIGHBORS HATE US ENOUGH ALREADY," you shout, matching his volume just to prove you can.

The toilet flushes, the sink runs, and Karkat walks out of the bathroom. He's not shuffling anymore, but he also doesn't seem to have the presence of mind to stomp, so you suspect there are still some serious cobwebs in his brain.

"How long was I out?" he asks at a normal volume.

"The proverbial three days," Dave replies, still flipping languidly through television channels, clearly not focused on any of the pictures flickering across the screen.

"Oh, Christ." He rubs the back of his neck, shifting on his feet. "That's so fucking awkward. You could have moved me, you know, I mean where the fuck did you two sleep?"

Dave finally flicks the TV off, propping himself up on one elbow. "What made you think we didn't use the bed?"

". . . What?"

"Oh no, was that not okay?" you say, deciding not to give Dave a chance to do anything insensitive. "I'm really really sorry, Karkat, we should have asked first, I just didn't know you were going to sleep so long. I'm sorry, I should have realized that would push boundaries."

"No, that's not it, I just." He blinks slowly, tilting his head to the side, apparently bewildered. You have very rarely seen Karkat at a loss for words, aside from when he's tripping over himself like earlier. "That is a lot of pity for a half hour spent crying."

"Forty-three minutes, fifty-two seconds."

"Quit the time god shit, I will shove my fist so far up your waste chute that you -- "

"Keep your flirting to a minimum, man. You don't understand. Those last thirteen minutes made a big difference, treaded the thin line between four unconscious hours of cuddling and three goddamn days of nonstop Pity City. We were even thinking about opening a store, like Party City, except all the balloons say shit like 'You're so pathetic I want to cuddle you' and 'Pull your sorry self together, Jesus Christ'."

Karkat opens his mouth. You hold up both of your hands.

"Stop. Halt. Both of you. Shh."

When you've flicked stern gazes at both of them for long enough that they wilt, you motion Karkat over with your hand, perching on the arm of the couch and nudging Dave to sit up and make room.

"It is time for a serious talk about feelings."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Feelings Talk: Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh lord this got away from me
> 
>  
> 
> _somehow everything's gonna fall right into place_  
>  _if we only had a way to make it all fall faster every day_  
>  _if only time flew like a dove_  
>  _well god make it fly faster than i'm falling in love_  
>  _this time we're not giving up_  
>  _let's make it last forever_  
>  _-hallelujah, paramore_

Karkat hasn't even gotten a chance to sit down before Jade says, "Wait, waitwaitwait. Food. We are moving this feelings jam to the kitchen."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up," you say. God damn, you are so comfortable on this couch. "Aren't feelings jams supposed to be in exceedingly soft piles of things? Going out and sitting our asses down on hard fucking wooden chairs until our tailbones flatten into goddamn aching pancakes is like, a complete insult to Karkat's culture. Back me up here, Karkat."

Karkat arches an eyebrow.

"Come on," you say, wheedling.

"I think any and all potential future feelings jams need to be in the kitchen," he tells Jade, exiting the living room.

Dammit.

Jade follows after him. You freeze time and lay back down on the couch for the next twenty linear minutes, half-asleep, partially because you want to postpone talking about feelings and partially because you really just don't want to get up. After all, now that there's no real reason not to use your time powers, why not use them for the most inefficient and pointless things? At least they're less visible than Jade's. She has yet to notice and get on your case about hypocrisy.

When you're done mope-napping about your journey to the kitchen, you unfreeze time and roll off the cushions with a thunk. It takes forty-seven seconds to dig your toes into the carpet and slide yourself into the kitchen like a dejected inchworm, by which time Jade and Karkat have confirmed that they both indeed would prefer meat raw.

"God fucking dammit," you mumble into the tile floor, "I'm living with a couple of fucking animals."

"Only in bed," Karkat replies, so utterly deadpan that Jade laughs so hard she almost falls over, her giggles subsiding into breathless little wheezes, a hand pressed over her chest.

Once she's mostly recovered (still giggling, still a little breathless), she removes a few packages of hamburger from the freezer, porting two onto the table in front of Karkat. He tears into them with his claws and pops a sizeable chunk into his mouth.

". . . I was going to get you a fork, you know," Jade says.

He flips her the bird.

"I still think we are being hells of culturally insensitive here."

"Dave," Jade says, putting the other two packages of hamburger on the counter, her hands on her hips, "if you are so concerned, you can cook your own damn food. In fact you can have it done in less than five seconds if you are that worried."

"That doesn't mean it takes any less long for _me_ ," you whine. Really the only usefulness your powers have foodwise is when you stick canned soup in the microwave, skip forward two minutes so it's done, grab your time-saving goodness, and skip back. Anything that requires active watching is just a pain in the ass.

"Hmm! It is almost like your hesitation has nothing to do with Karkat at all." Jade fishes out a frying pan and dumps an entire package of meat onto it, then points somewhat threateningly at you with a spatula. "Sit."

You drag yourself off the kitchen floor, briefly wondering why you and Karkat have the same penchant for laying on it. Granted, he does it so that he can scream and you do it so you can look pathetic, but still. Poor Jade.

Once you've settled at the table, silence descends over the room, only punctuated by the sizzling of the meat on the stove. Jade keeps her back to the table, poking at it with the spatula. You'd sort of expected her to start the whole thing off as the seemingly self-appointed moderator, but she doesn't appear to have any more idea where to begin than you do.

"This is so fucking awkward," you say after eighty-seven seconds. Karkat, sitting across from you, quirks the corner of his mouth upward in a way that indicates silent agreement. "Okay. First of all, why _did_ you show up at my apartment at seven in the goddamn morning?"

"That," Karkat says, rubbing his eyes, "is a long fucking story."

"Okay, well, maybe you can start with why you need to stay here. Something wrong with your hive?"

He runs his fingers through his hair, anxiously fluffing it up, little wisps sticking out all over his head. "Actually I can't talk about this right now because it's really fucking upsetting and I need to summon the proper amount of rage before I rant or else I am going to have yet another fucking breakdown, and I'm getting kind of tired of being a constantly-weeping basketcase. I mean I know I already have a universal reputation as a constantly-weeping basketcase but that doesn't mean I enjoy _upholding_ it."

Jade turns the stove off and slides the cooked hamburger onto a plate, sticking a fork into the concoction and porting it over to you. You're not particularly hungry. Any food you eat now will just get stuck in your throat.

Since the food is done, she walks over to the table and sits on the side between you and Karkat, frowning, all of her attention on him. "Is it . . . a blood thing?"

"Aspect or mutation?"

"Both."

Karkat presses his lips into a thin line. "I am still not exactly welcome in troll society."

Jade's frown deepens. "I thought . . . " She pauses, clearly choosing her words carefully. "I thought troll society was more similar to Beforus than Alternia now, what with Feferi ruling."

"I really do not want to talk about this right now. I was going to tell Dave to fuck himself with a cactus for screwing the universe up but it's really just me. Again. Not that I screwed anything up this time, at least that I know of, which to be honest is a goddamn miracle, I'm just the odd one out. Everything else is seamless."

You figure this is a good time to jump in. "Okay, dude, first of all, in your six goddamn weeks of sleeplessness, exactly how much have you examined this. Like, have you stepped back and gone, 'Exactly how much of this do I have evidence for, and how much is just me convincing myself that everybody hates me and I am going to die alone?'"

Karkat glares. "You are actually on par with a dangling bit of feces stuck in the pubic hair of a greasy human man asshole."

"Ew," says Jade. "Can we please keep poop out of the insults? Not that that one was not deserved."

"Look, I'm just asking. Although that wording was probably a little insensitive, so uh, sorry."

"Can you please fucking not do that thing where you assume everything in my life is fucking perfect and I'm just blowing tiny shit out of proportion? I'm not going to pretend like I don't do that because it's kind of hard not to be self-aware about how fucking fantastic I am at overreaction, but can you not do that thing where you act like my actual reality means nothing? Can you not do that thing. I did not fucking come here for that, invalidating me doesn't fucking help."

You push your plate away and lay your forehead on the cool wood of the table, closing your eyes. "Sorry," you mumble.

"Yeah, well. Whatever. It's fine."

"Oh, boy." Jade props her chin up on her hands, gaze flicking between you. "How did you two ever get anything done communication-wise?"

Karkat shrugs. "Necessity," he says, his tone completely flat.

You immediately feel like you've been kicked in the chest.

The breath punches out of your lungs before you can stop it, although you're pretty sure Karkat didn't mean it. At least, not the way it sounded. Because the way it sounded was an awful lot like _we only gave a shit about each other because there was no one else around to do the job_ , which was true at first but --

You're definitely making more out of this than you should be, a side effect of your own quiet leanings toward overreaction. Even as the logical part of your brain rationalizes through this, the emotional part continues freaking the fuck out in a way that's not so much anxiety as dullachingthrobbingstabbing pain. You think you actually prefer panic attacks.

It's like this: You never put more into relationships than you get back. Most of the time you only put half as much into relationships as you get back, which you know is unfair to all of the people who care about you, but it's a method of self-defense left over from before the game started. You miss out on a lot by not giving people more of yourself, but you have to choose carefully, get only as invested as they do, because the alternative is having your flaws shoved back in your face and being left completely alone.

You need to get out of here. You search through your mind for a good excuse that doesn't involve a sudden bout of explosive diarrhea, and can't come up with anything. Escaping will just make Jade and probably Karkat worried about you, and make the situation more tense and awkward than it already is, and you're starting to get one of those migraines that come from too many pieces of yourself fighting to surface at once.

"Haha, dude," you say finally, propping your chin up on your elbow, thankful for your shades, "did putting up with my sorry ass really suck that bad? Here I thought we had this total broship going on and it turns out you were just using me for my hot bod and excellent blanket piles. Cuts a guy deep."

"Oh, for God's sake." Now it's Karkat's turn to lay his head on his arms. "That wasn't what I meant and you know it. I meant we had to hurdle over our innate abilities to miscommunicate and misinterpret everything because it makes moirallegiance a lot more functional, not that I wanted you because you were the only option. I can't fucking believe this. We are literally just sitting here managing to go back to square fucking one in terms of miscommunication and misinterpretation. Both of us. Holy shit."

"Oh. Yeah, okay, that makes more sense." Christ almighty you're a neurotic mess.

"This is fucking painful," Jade says. "You two are literally the most obtuse and angsty people I have ever met."

"I take pride in my teen angst."

Karkat keeps his head where it is, groaning. "We need to do the notebook thing."

Huh. That's actually a good idea. In all your sorting-memories confusion, you'd completely forgotten about the notebook thing. It probably would have been helpful from the beginning.

"What's the notebook thing?"

"We get a notebook and write back and forth when we need to," you explain. "Or text back and forth, the writing thing started because I was bored and wanted to practice the Alternian alphabet and then just got distracted doodling and bullshitting rhymes. It's just, with feelings, it's easier for me to . . . "

You tap your throat, knowing that Jade will get the message. You've gotten better at identifying your own feelings over the years, but managing to express and talk about them? Still needs a lot of work. The words all get stuck on the way up so all that comes out are dry little puffs of air. Rose calls it _selective mutism_ , which is basically where a dude gets so anxious he loses the ability to speak. Rose is pretty good at labeling all of your issues, actually, which would really piss you off if the categorization wasn't occasionally helpful.

"I'll go get some paper out of my school binders," Jade says. A second later, a stack of loose leaf notebook paper appears on the table next to your plate of food.

Karkat snorts. "That didn't exactly involve a lot of going anywhere."

"I'm fine-tuning my powers, okay? Sheesh. If I can shrink this whole planet down to the size of a pin then I should also be able to teleport paper from twenty feet away onto a table in front of me without getting up."

"I'm pretty sure you're just showing off."

"I think you're just jealous."

"The hell is there even to be jealous of?"

Jade grins. "If I wake up in the middle of the night and I have to pee, I don't have to get out of bed because I can just move the pee from my bladder to the toilet without moving at all."

Karkat splutters, a sound that's somewhere between laughter and a hacking cough, the same dying cat noises he made after eating straight ground coffee. Jade scoots her chair closer so that she can tap him on the back.

"She does have a point there, dude," you say. "That's pretty fucking awesome."

"We need pens to write," Karkat says when he's gotten a hold of himself again, evidently keen on directing the conversation away from Jade's bladder miracles. He's defs jealous.

Jade produces two ballpoint pens out of her pocket. You are so shocked by the appearance of supplies in a manner that doesn't involve zapping that you kind of gape at her.

"I don't really use my powers that much, do I?"

Silence.

"Okay shut up and write you nerds," she says, flushing slightly and sliding the pens across the table. "I think you guys have more stuff to work out than me, I'll third party it up in a minute. Let me know if you need me to mediate between both of your continually insensitive butts."

Karkat flips her off again while you pull a sheet of paper toward you, and the Great Scrawling begins.

ok so why did you come to me  
  
I NEEDED YOU.  
  
yeah dude i kind of got that but like why me specifically  
  
not that im not glad to see you because given the way you pretty much dropped off the radar i was a little worried  
  
replying to messages once every three days doesnt really cut it kanaya was slightly concerned too and i was like holy shit karkats probably dead  
  
then i was like nah karkats probably running around getting used to things in his own way which is probably by freaking out  
  
IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS UPSET, WHY DIDN'T YOU CONTACT ME?  
  
well i did contact you dude i just didnt try to engage a massive feelsfest  
  
ive been kind of dealing with my own shit  
  
which i guess isnt an excuse for not reaching out to you i just thought  
  
youd probably prefer to get used to troll society again however different it is now  
  
like i figured youd be creaming yourself over your culture and wouldnt be super big on hauling ass out to human central  
  
I THOUGHT I WOULD BE. BUT EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT NOW.  
  
DIFFERENT IN THIS WAY THAT I CAN'T REALLY NAVIGATE, BUT THE SAME IN TERMS OF ME BEING A FREAK.  
  
AS IT TURNS OUT THE MILD ECLIPSING OF ALTERNIAN CULTURE WITH BEFORUS CULTURE DOESN'T MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE FOR ME INDIVIDUALLY, BECAUSE MUTANTS ARE STILL CONSIDERED "OTHER", JUST ON A DIFFERENT SPECTRUM.  
  
BEING TREATED LIKE SOMEONE WITHOUT BODILY AUTONOMY WHO NEEDS CONSTANT RESCUING KIND OF GETS ON MY NERVES. AT LEAST WHEN I WAS WORRYING ABOUT DEATH I KNEW WHAT I WAS UP AGAINST. THIS WHOLE . . . DISGUST-DISGUISED-AS-PITY THING REALLY FUCKS ME UP. LIKE PEOPLE KEEP VIEWING ME AS SOME KIND OF VICTIM OF BIOLOGY AND ALSO ASSUMING THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET IN MY SPACE, AND?? FUCK OFF??  
  
I'M GETTING LOCKED OUT OF MY OWN FUCKING SOCIETY AGAIN. I THOUGHT WITH THE THREAT OF BEING CULLED IN THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY LIFTED, I'D BE ABLE TO INTEGRATE INTO AND PARTICIPATE IN THE ACTIVITIES OF MY SPECIES, AND THAT'S NOT FUCKING HAPPENING.  
  
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS? TO BE TREATED LIKE YOU DON'T BELONG IN THE CULTURE YOU WERE BORN INTO? I MEAN THIS ISN'T EVEN THE CULTURE I WAS BORN INTO BUT AT LEAST IT'S MY *SPECIES*.  
  
PERSONALITY-WISE I PROBABLY FUNCTION BETTER IN HUMAN CULTURE BUT HUMANS HERE HAVE THIS HEALTHY DISTASTE FOR TROLLS, WHICH I GET. AND I'D PREFER TO HAVE MY OWN SPACE IN WHICH I'M NOT OSTRACIZED RATHER THAN NEEDING TO CURL UP ON THE HUMAN SIDE OF THINGS, BECAUSE THIS FUCKING HURTS. AND YET HERE WE ARE.  
  
ok jesus that was an essay give me a sec to process  
  
ok  
  
first of all im guessing you havent talked about this to any of the other trolls  
  
which im also guessing is because this society is a fuck ton better for them and you dont want to sound ungrateful  
  
or worry them  
  
you should at least let kanaya know youre chill though  
  
well not chill but you know what i mean  
  
let her know youre functionally ok even if you dont want to talk about whats been going on  
  
also could you talk to feferi about it  
  
like  
  
be like "hey this fucking sucks make your people chill"  
  
YOU DO REALIZE SHE IS THE EMPRESS, RIGHT.  
  
yeah well im a god   
  
titles mean jack shit  
  
SHE'S STILL MY FRIEND OBVIOUSLY. SHE'S JUST UP TO HER GODDAMN GILLS IN PROCESSING POLITICAL NUANCES AND DIPLOMACY. I CAN'T GO RALLYING FOR SOCIAL CHANGE WHEN THIS UNIVERSE HAS EXISTED FOR A MONTH AND A HALF, AND SHE'S TRYING TO CATCH UP WITH MILLENNIUMS OF HISTORY.  
  
MAYBE IN LIKE, SEVERAL SWEEPS. IT'S JUST NOT FEASIBLE NOW. NOT EVEN IN AN "I DON'T WANT TO WORRY HER" WAY, BUT IN A "FIGURING OUT THE FLAWS IN THE SYSTEM AND HOW TO FIX THEM IS GOING TO TAKE A HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN SIX WEEKS" WAY.  
  
so you came here because you needed me  
  
needed my couch at least  
  
needed to yell a little about how this world was built for humans with trolls as an afterthought and we fucked everything up for you etcetc  
  
then needed some serious holding  
  
YEAH.  
  
ESSENTIALLY.  
  
BUT IT'S DIFFERENT NOW.  
  
SO I'M CONFUSED.  
  
different how  
  
WITH JADE AND YOU.  
  
IT'S DIFFERENT.  
  
ok youre gonna have to give me some specifics on the exact logic / feelings here bc otherwise i cant say the right shit  
  
write the right shit w/e  
  
OK FINE I'LL TRY.  
  
THIS IS GOING TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I'M JEALOUS AND I'M REALLY NOT.  
  
BUT IF YOU HAVE HER THEN THERE'S NOT REALLY  
  
SO MUCH ROOM FOR ME, IS THERE?  
  
IT SEEMS LIKE SHE'S BEEN HELPING OUT A HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN ME WITH WHATEVER YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.  
  
AND IF YOU'RE SUDDENLY IN THE POSITION OF HAVING RED + PALE NECESSITIES FILLED BY ONE PERSON, THEN THERE'S NOT REALLY A NEED FOR ME ANYMORE. ESPECIALLY WITH HOW THINGS ARE DIVIDED NOW WITH HUMANS AND TROLLS MOSTLY LIVING APART.  
  
I MEAN. OKAY I GUESS I AM A LITTLE JEALOUS. NOT IN THIS SUPER DOUCHEY ENTITLED WAY BUT LIKE  
  
IT'S HARD. LOVING YOU LIKE THIS AND KNOWING YOU'RE ALREADY TAKEN BY SOMEONE A LOT MORE COMPETENT FEELINGS-WISE THAN ME.  
  
AND IT'S HARD LOVING JADE TOO ALTHOUGH ADMITTEDLY I LOVE HER DIFFERENTLY FROM YOU, GIVEN THAT I DIDN'T SEE HER FOR THREE YEARS AND THEN WHEN I DID SEE HER IT WAS KIND OF. WELL.  
  
THIS IS STUPID I'M STUPID.  
  
I SHOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT THAT I COULD JUST DROP OFF THE RADAR AND THEN SHOW UP AND EXPECT EVERYTHING TO BE THE SAME AS IT WAS. EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT NOW AND I'M A DOUCHEBAG.  
  
I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING THIS, THAT'S ALL.  
  
I'M NOT PISSED ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING. IT'S JUST SOMETHING I HAVE TO WORK THROUGH. AND THE CONFUSION ISN'T HELPING.  
BOTH OF YOU ARE ACTING LIKE  
  
I DON'T KNOW.  
  
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE YOU'VE BOTH BEEN SEIZED BY BRIEF AND VIOLENTLY PALE/POSSIBLY RED FEELINGS FOR ME AND I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE, GIVEN HOW PATHETIC I'VE BEEN. AND THE PATHETICNESS OF ALL OF THIS PROBABLY ISN'T HELPING. IT'S JUST, I KEEP WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.  
  
I'M REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE.  
  
oh lord another essay hold up  
  
ok  
  
im pretty sure your confusion is stemming from a serious misinterpretation of human emotions  
  
which is probably my fault tbh  
  
our society evolved with the traditional one quadrant system for a bunch of reasons i cant be assed to list most of which being that we arent as obsessed with squishing feelings into boxes as you are  
  
actually maybe because were more obsessed with squishing feelings into boxes whatever thats irrelevant  
  
the thing is like i guess we built this culture that was like "only a person with a PENIS and a person with a VAGINA can love each other and have SEX in the MISSIONARY POSITION because then they will MAKE BABIES and BE FARMERS with COWS"  
  
with this idea that monogamous reproductive couples were the main goal here and all other forms of romance or sex or whatever were irrelevant  
  
but that doesnt mean we are literally incapable of having feelings for more than one person  
  
do you know what polyamory is  
  
"MULTIPLE LOVE"?  
  
THAT'S ABOUT WHAT THE ROOT WORDS MEAN, RIGHT.  
  
yeah  
  
ok i have a lot of weird brain shit going on right now that i cant even begin to get into bc well end up here all night ill elaborate on it later probably but  
  
the fact that im head over heels for jade doesnt mean i suddenly stopped being head over heels for you  
  
that sounds way too enthusiastic let me make it more solemn and chill  
  
i didnt suddenly stop ~*~luving ur gay face~*~  
  
k i cant do this  
  
basically the things i feel for jade dont cancel out the things i felt and still feel for you  
  
i dont have some kind of finite love meter where i pour in different amounts of love and im like oops eighty percent love reserved for jade suddenly karkats out of the picture like jesus  
  
yall arent shoving each other for space in my gay ass chest youve both got chill sprawling mansions with like a hundred acres and a golf course and butlers and shit so relax  
  
im not great at identifying the shit i feel and narrowing down the lines between relationships i mean i sucked at that before and im even worse at it now due to aforementioned weird brain shit  
  
and half the time im confused as fuck but i know i care about you equally as much as i did on the meteor  
  
jade knows that too btw she knew that going in there was a lot of full disclosure stuff i wanted to get over with her bc otherwise it would be a potential bomb waiting to explode  
  
i cant speak to how she feels about you i mean thats a discussion you and her have to have but i love you both  
  
seems selfish to want to have both of you at the same time but you both bring out different sides of me and i cant really be expected to choose like "yeah i like jade more than karkat because x" or "i like karkat more than jade because y" my emotions do not work that way  
  
so thats where i stand  
  
i dont know where you want to go from here i guess we need to work out the details or what exactly all of this means bc idk how cool you are with what ive got going on with jade or what youre interested in but yeah

Karkat takes your rambling answer, which is written across both the front and back of a piece of paper, reading it with the slow contemplation of an academic studying for a test. Then he puts it down, his palms flat against the table, his fingers tapping lightly against the wood.

"Okay," he says. "I think I'm starting to understand."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Feelings Talk: Part Two  
> with some bonus almost-sexy shenanigans thrown in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end of this chapter is slightly nsfw, though not porn.  
> next chapter will probs be all porn. (if you're not comfy w/ smut you should be able to skip it without any general confusion)
> 
>  
> 
> _you are strong but you're needy_  
>  _humble but you're greedy_  
>  _and based on your body language_  
>  _and shoddy cursive i've been reading_  
>  _your style is quite selective_  
>  _though your mind is rather reckless_  
>  _well i guess it just suggests_  
>  _that this is just what happiness is_  
>  _and what a beautiful mess this is_  
>  _-a beautiful mess, jason mraz_

“Am I allowed to read those?” Jade asks, gesturing at the obscene amount of paper you and Dave used up while trying to sort out your shitty hell thoughts. “It’s fine if they’re private, I just figure seeing them will make it easier for me to know where you guys stand.”

“Yeah, go ahead.” It takes you a moment to get the pages in the order they were written, and then you hand the small stack over.

Five minutes later, she puts the papers down and nods. “Okay, this is good! You’re right, you two are way better at talking on paper than you are out loud.”

“Well, we have to pretend to be useful somewhere,” Dave says, the corner of his mouth quirking upward.

“Right. So now that, uh.” You clear your throat. “Now that some apparent misconceptions have been cleared up, there’s still talking to do. Like. What is this. Specifically.”

“What do you want it to be?”

You tap your fingers anxiously against the table. “I don’t know, that’s the whole fucking problem! Also I hate to sound like I’m bending to Dave’s whining, because I most definitely am not, but is there any chance we can move this onto your sleeping platform? It’s cozy and I’m freezing out h…”

You’re on the bed before you’ve even finished the sentence, Jade on one side of you and Dave on the other. Rather than complain about the continued unnecessary use of space powers, you burrow underneath the covers, letting the mattress conform to your spine. The platform is awash in soft pillows and heavy blankets, sized just right to comfortably fit all of you, and even though you’ve spent more time here than you ever expected you’re still pleased about your sudden return. Of all the things this planet turned out, this specific bed is a highlight.

Dave slips under the quilt next to you, slinging an arm around your waist. “I am marinating in cultural sensitivity. You’re full of great ideas, Karkat.”

You roll onto your side so that you can face him, lightly patting his cheek. “You’re not getting anything out of sucking up to me.”

“Damn.”

Jade joins you both under the covers, humming, her arm wrapping around your middle just beneath Dave’s. You wiggle a little between them, your blood pusher doing a funny flipflopping thing in your chest cavity, like it’s trying to stay upright during a tsunami. There’s something really nice about being surrounded by human warmth on all sides.

“Maybe we don’t need a name for it?” she says.

“We do need a name for it, though!” Your exasperation makes your voice come out more frustrated than intended, and you sigh, trying to press closer to both of them simultaneously. “I mean, I’m not saying that because I … I mean I get it, I’m the romance guy, ha ha that hilarious Karkat trying to define and box up anything and everything that people feel and categorize and sort and all of that shit, it’s just. I mean. I mean. I know. I know the lines are messier in real life than they are in fiction, okay? I know you can’t expect feelings to just be stagnant and easily identified and dealt with one hundred percent of the time, I know that. But we need to – we need to define this, because if we don’t define it then somebody’s going to get hurt. And most troll relationships are forged from necessity rather than desire so I’m not used to this, this, this whole human idea that you can just feel things and go with the flow and have fun and everything will work out perfectly with no effort.”

Dave obliges your squirming by bridging the few inches left between you, your chests pressed together, the tip of his nose just barely brushing yours. “I love you,” he says.

You swallow, and then duck in to brush your lips against his cheek, hoping the gesture will count as reciprocation since your throat feels swollen.

“We both love you, Karkat,” Jade says. “You and I don’t have the same kind of history that Dave and I do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“I’m just scared,” you say softly, trying to explain, “that if I screw things up with one of you then I'll lose you both.”

“You’re not going to screw things up.”

“I’m probably going to screw things up.”

“Karkat,” Dave says sternly, “you are not going to screw things up.”

“Okay, okay, but look – look, even if I don’t screw things up, relationships run their course, right? What if one of you gets sick of me before the other and then everything is weird for all three of us? Or what if you guys realize that I’m too hard to deal with and I drag you down and you just want each other again? I don’t really want – I mean, I don’t really want to get invested and get my hopes up on something especially if it turns out to be like, like a trial run for you guys. Like I don’t want to end up serious about something and then find out it wasn’t as serious to you guys as it was to me.”

“You know, Karkat, Dave’s been pining for you since we went through the door.”

You blink a few times and roll over, facing Jade just so that she can get the full effect of your blank stare. “But you two…”

“That’s what he’s been trying to explain to you. Correct me if I’m wrong, Dave, but I am pretty sure I’m far from a Karkat replacement. Or end-all-be-all relationship placeholder.”

“Yeah. And Karkat, don’t get me wrong here, I adore Jade, we’ve got a great thing going on here. It’s just, it seems like you’re worried that we’re just gonna tug you in and then either get bored or unhappy with you after an unspecified amount of time, and then kick you out without a second thought? And that’s not how shit works for me, that’s what I’m trying to say. I adore Jade. I also adore you.”

“Oh.” You bite your bottom lip. “Okay.”

“Maybe it would be best to define boundaries?” Jade suggests. “Because I’m not sure how to go about categorizing all of the specific things I feel for you both individually, so it feels like boundaries are a little more practical. Since, you know, we all interact differently and figuring out what we want is important, so there aren’t misunderstandings.”

You relax a little bit. As you do, Dave begins to rub his hand idly over your stomach. A soft, contented half-purr half-clicking sound rises in the back of your throat.

“Boundaries. Good plan.” You let a little more of your tension ease, shutting your eyes. “I like cuddling both of you, in case that one wasn’t obvious.”

“I’m pretty sure we both like cuddling you too, so that’s good.” Jade squeezes your waist. “What about kisses?”

“I’m pretty sure I’d also like kissing both of you. Just, uh, save the heavy duty makeouts for when I’m in the right mood. I’m not sure if those were part of the question, but.”

Jade unwraps her arm from your waist so that she can cup your cheek in her hand instead, thumb running over your lower lip. Your blood pusher flips again. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Uh.” Your voice comes out a few notes higher than usual. “Sure?”

“Dude, take it easy,” Dave says as Jade bridges the gap between you.

Her mouth is soft, her lips just barely parted, pliant under yours. It’s been a long time since you kissed anyone, so it’s a few seconds before you remember how to kiss back. When you do, though, it’s nearly fevered, as you try to meld as close as possible. Jade makes a surprised and pleased noise, obliging you by opening her mouth farther and flicking her tongue out.

With Dave pressed flush against your back and Jade against your front, there’s not a lot of room for you to get your composure back. Instead you keep kissing her, the sudden burning in your body taking you by just as much surprise as her. The tip of your tongue meets hers and then you’re whining, a plaintive sound, Dave’s palm still rubbing slow circles on your abdomen and your body suddenly too warm all over for comfort.

Jade pulls back. “Before I tease you, are you okay?”

“I’m.” You’re hoarse. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, teasing it is then. If that is you not being in the mood for heavy makeouts, I would love to see what making out is like for trolls.”

You don’t bother to dignify that with a response. “I want,” you say, and then stop and clear your throat because wow, a little kissing should not make you sound so much like you’ve just been pailing! “I want you both, all quadrants, relationship definition solved.”

“See, that was really not hard at all.” Dave kisses the back of your neck, which makes you whine again. “Sexy quadrants included?”

“The hell do you think, dickbreath.”

“Yes?”

“Ding ding, we have a winner!”

“Hmmm,” he says, all faux curiosity. “Sexy quadrants now?”

“More like I need a cold shower now.”

“Because like, I really do not have any qualms about bringing sexy quadrant fun into this cuddling experience.”

“We don’t even have a pail here, I’ll ruin the fucking mattress!” You sit up, running your fingers through your hair. “Otherwise I’d say yes. My god okay I’m getting a shower right the fuck now.”

“Hmm. We’ve got a whirlpool tub in there too, dude. What do you think of a pretty sexy bath with both of us?”

You throw the covers off and climb over Dave to get to your feet. “I’m going to pass the fuck out.”

“Is that a yes or a no?”

You’ve reached the door before you bother replying. “Well, it’s not like either of you will ever have a better hands-on opportunity to learn about troll biology. I am a saint. Now get up before my clothes start feeling any more uncomfortable than they already do.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bathtub shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> arrives fifteen months late with starbucks  
> this didn't end up being porn, it's more a filler chapter to let you guys know this fic isn't dead  
> is anyone still reading?? if so you should drop me a line in the comments or st because i have no idea if anyone's still around after over a year without updates haha

On the list of unexpected things that could happen to you this week, this is pretty high on the Good Surprises list. The world's been full of good surprises since you stepped through the door, truth be told. A rebooted Earth, your friends all intact, your ability to go to college, Dave's interest, your apparent escape from any consequences for things you did in the game --

But you're not going to think about game things now! Dave and Karkat both have a lot more to be fucked up about than you anyway, and you are going to keep your positive face on if it kills you. There are way better things to do than mope.

For example, watch the ripple and tension of Karkat's muscles as he pulls his shirt over his head. You know enough about human anatomy to tell that Karkat's anatomy is offset, outwardly close to human but with tougher rings of muscle in different spots. And there are obvious outer differences too. The bumps of his spine are more jagged than a human's, shoulderblades sharper, and when he turns around you solve a few of the mysteries you were wondering about. No nipples, no navel, which makes enough sense considering he's not a mammal and hatched out of an egg.

Or... didn't hatch, technically, but his species hatches even if he's an ectobiology paradox space godclone. Details, details.

You are curious about the dark lines around his ribs, which look like some sort of external shielding, not quite plated enough to be an exoskeleton. Dave interrupts your half-formed question, though, with a low whistle.

"Damn," he says. "You got hotter."

Karkat flips him the bird. "I woke up moulted without actually going through the humiliation or discomfort of molting. Go me. I managed to skip both hatching and my adult molt and reap the benefits of both."

"So this is what adult trolls look like?" you ask.

"Well. That's kind of a wide criteria. People from cooler castes tend to be bigger. Like, a lot bigger." Karkat leans over the tub, turning on the water, and you are absolutely _transfixed_ by the continued movement of his limbs. "I'm really small for a troll, on the average side for a human. Just another way I've failed out of cultural norms and gone backsliding into the need to bump bulges with aliens to be accepted!"

You and Dave exchange a Look which mutually agrees not to indulge a new pity party. Not in this bathroom, motherfucker. "What are the lines on your ribs?" you ask.

"Lines..." He looks down. "Oh, these. Scars from where my grublegs came off when I pupated the first time."

"Did that hurt?"

"I don't know, did it hurt when you... fuck, I can't even think of a human comparison because your species mangles itself and sucks at sorting its life stages into neatly defined compartments."

"Uh, excuse you?" Dave's laughing. "Humans have plenty of easily defined life stages. We move seamlessly from 'shitting in diaper' to 'crawling around like a ten pound destruction machine while still shitting in diaper' to 'running around like a twenty pound destruction machine' to 'stabbing the other kids at Pre-K with our colored pencils because they didn't listen to the sharing is caring song'..."

"You're going to go through like eighty more stages, aren't you."

You cross to Karkat and lower your voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "If you let him ramble, eventually he has to pick between being bored with himself and wanting to finish out of pride. It's hilarious."

"Hey, I heard that!" Dave opts to cut off his ramble so he can be mock annoyed. "And here I thought you genuinely enjoyed listening to all of my ideas for ice cream flavors from hell."

"You fell asleep in the middle of the ice cream flavors from hell list."

"I realized that all the ice cream would melt in hell and then I got really sad and needed to sleep."

"Wouldn't ice cream be frozen into an inedible block in hell?" Karkat says. "Wouldn't you also be frozen into an immobile block in hell? Which is why it's hell?"

"Is troll hell cold?"

"Troll hell is up to interpretation because it's more like an extended metaphor than religious symbolism."

"Human hell is a literal lake of fire."

"Well, that's my shit." Karkat snorts. "All the more reason to be sad I never got to take my place as god of this world. Your hell would have been my domain. I would have been all over that like an oinkbeast in mud, you have no idea. Tossing people into lakes of fire for sucking? Six sweep old me would have eaten it up."

"What about present Karkat?"

"Present Karkat turned on a human crime drama and passed out immediately at the sight of a dead body. But I am telling you two. Past me would have wrecked your universe, it would have been so fucking sweet."

"Aw," you say. "I'm so glad we get to be the gods here."

"You missed out on a great opportunity! You realize you could both do just about anything you wanted? Fuck living in this world, between both of you you're the literal space-time continuum."

"Yeah," Dave says, also moving over to the tub and looping an arm around Karkat's waist, nuzzling his shoulder from behind, "but if we were busy juggling planets and timestreams then we wouldn't have so much attention to pay to you, would we?"

He chirps.

"Oh my god, you're so cute."

"Not another fucking word." Karkat turns around and raises a hand to play with Dave's hair, and the way he relaxes makes your heart stutter. "Are we getting naked or did I misinterpret this trajectory entirely? Because right now it looks like I'm the only one losing this game of strip poker, and I'm not about to play another hand if you two aren't willing to make us even."

Well, you've never cared much about social conventions, so you have no qualms about unbuttoning your blouse and sliding it off, and then unhooking your sports bra and chucking that aside too. The thing about growing up on an island in the middle of nowhere is that you never had any reason to be embarrassed by your body or nudity, and also have only recently experienced the joy of how _fucking annoying_ bras are. Ahh. This is so much better. Let the titty fly free.

"Let the titty fly free," Dave says, like he always does when you take your bra off.

"Huh," Karkat says.

You spin around in a circle for him. "There. Now we're both half naked."

"Your rumblespheres seem more practical than Dave's."

You choke on a laugh. "I think that's the most clinical assessment I've ever heard."

"Well, it's true!"

"It is." You gesture at Dave. "Your shirt goes now too, buddy. We're being super slow about this, I'm sure the water is warm by now."

Karkat reaches his hand into the stream and nods. "Yeah. Are we doing the full nudity about this, or?"

"Well, I mean. I was not planning to get my pants soaked, but if you're feeling shy that's okay!"

"My wiggly's pretty much dead but I guess I could still stand to take my pants off." Karkat undoes his fly and shimmies out of his jeans. "Fifty planet rotations or whatever it's fucking been and I'm about to get in a bathtub with two naked humans, so I've clearly lost all sense of self restraint or dignity, but let's not mince words here."

Your eyebrows disappear all the way into your bangs. "Wiggly?"

Karkat glances at Dave, who immediately bursts into laughter. "Aha - ahahaha, fuck, dude, she doesn't know."

The tips of Karkat's ears darken. "Wiggly is the troll equivalent of a boner I don't have humanlike reproductive anatomy I have a bulge and a nook the bulge is prehensile and spends most of its time tucked in a bone sheathe I'm so glad we've had this discussion it got drawn out and agonizing with Dave the first time around and we are definitely not going to repeat that endeavor so anyway you're welcome for all this fascinating science!"

When he pauses to breathe, you tilt your head to the side. "You have a really impressive lung capacity. Is that an alien thing or a Karkat thing?"

"You know who should fight me? You. You should fight me."

"Are you sure you want to do that?" you ask, wiggling your fingers at him. "I am pretty sure I'll win."

"Yeah. Fuck, you're right. I might as well roll onto my back and bare my throat in keening submission now."

"As hot as I'm sure that would be," Dave says, "maybe you can save the theatrics for later. I'm cold."

He punctuates this by ripping his pajama pants and boxers off, and then climbing unceremoniously into the tub. At least he isn't being shy. You pull off the rest of your clothes and follow suit, sprawling across his lap.

"Water's fine, Karkat!" you say.

Karkat levels a grumpy troll stare at you, but any qualms he might have seem to fall away now that you and Dave are both naked. "Fuck it," he mutters, pulling off his underwear and settling down in the tub beside you, his shoulder pressed up against yours.

You sneak a not-so-subtle glance at his crotch. For science, of course. It _does_ look different from either you or Dave's anatomy - there's a sort of hard plating on the front, like a built-in protective shield. Your angle isn't conducive to seeing farther than that, especially when he says, "If you ogle me any harder, Harley, your glance orbs are going to dance out of your skull and fuck me themselves, leaving the rest of your body behind to suffer in sightless confusion and agony."

"I am just trying to learn about your anatomy. For science."

"Of course. For science."

"Of course!" You kiss his cheek. "But I am sure that I can find a textbook about the finer details of troll anatomy, so I am sorry for staring."

"It's okay. If I really had an issue with it I wouldn't be cozying up to you like this."

"Hmmm. So would you have an issue with a little bit of touching?"

"Well, that depends. Can I touch you back?"

"Ayy, look at you. Karkat the Troll Casanova," Dave says, reaching over with his fist raised. When Karkat makes it clear he's not going to complete the bunp, you do. Can't leave a guy hanging.

"I think those sound like acceptable terms," you say. "It was a really tough negotiation but I'm glad we made it this far."

Karkat reaches over and touches your boob. It is not a particularly sexy touch. In fact it's not so much a touch as it is a poke.

"What the fuck," he says.

"What!"

"It's like. Spongy." He pokes your nipple. "What the fuck!"

"Well, what do yours feel like!" You pat his chest, and his skin barely gives way under your palm, all solid plating. "What the hell, you're a rock! Dave, did you know Karkat's actually a sack of tough skin stretched over a cleverly carved statue?"

"Dave, did you know Jade's a sack of easily torn soft tissue over equally soft internal organs and brittle bones?"

"I knew both of these deep, dark secrets." Dave shifts under you, nudges you off his lap so that he can wiggle his way between the pair of you. "I feel like I know a lot of deep shit. This is like, national security threat level data right here. But you guys are equally tough, just objectively speaking, which I am not saying because I'm trying to get into both of your pants equally as much."

"Because it wouldn't be nearly so objective if it had to do with getting laid, would it?" Karkat says.

"Exactly. I'm Supreme Court judge levels of impartial."

"Which isn't really a great comparison, since even judges are humans who use their own interpretations of law and morality to make their rulings," you point out.

Dave considers this for a moment. "I can't think of anything that's actually impartial."

"Death?" Karkat says.

"Nah, death is like the opposite of impartial. Death has gotten to be such good buddies with all of us." Dave yawns, sinks deeper into the tub. The water's only crept high enough to cover your waist, and the sides of the tub nearly reach your shoulders when you sit and slouch.

"You make a good point. I can't think of anything impartial either."

"The universe is impartial?" you say.

"That's arguable too."

"Everything is arguable. If we really wanted to argue all night then we could do that! How about we do something more interesting, though?"

"Like what?"

"Liiiike figuring out the finer details of all of our alien anatomy."

Dave sighs. "We're going to flood the bathroom again, aren't we."

"You've already flooded the bathroom?" Karkat asks. "Impressive."

"Accident of space powers! Not anything that adventurous."

"It was kind of adventurous," Dave says.

"Okay, it was a little adventurous."

"I'm torn between wanting to know and never wanting to know, ever."

"No, no, we're building it up. It's not as exciting as it sounds. We just, uh, fooled around in the tub and I accidentally shrank the sides so the bath overflowed."

"...That's a thing that can happen? You get distracted and then suddenly the Earth is the size of a thimble?"

"Practice makes perfect."

"I'll say," Karkat says, and you lean across Dave to kiss his cheek again, and then kiss Dave for good measure, and all you can think is that fuck it - game or no game, death or no death, universe or no universe, your happiness can be no strings attached for now.


End file.
